"I Wouldn't Change a Thing"
~ A poem by a hard-of-hearing woman
On the day my life began, my life was forever changed,
Although no one knew the conditions.
But God ordained
That this would be
My destiny.
My situation.
I cannot hear as the hearing do
And I am not Deaf
I am stuck between two worlds, you see.
In one that is seemingly invisible;
Without hearing or Deaf identity.
But I wouldn't change a thing.
I love to listen to music, to the notes that share a story
But I cannot hear it the same as the hearing can,
Unlike the Deaf, I am not in tune to vibrations.
But I still love to play musical notes
I still spend hours at the piano.
It is beautiful to me, to my own unique ears
Even though I know
It sounds different to the hearing world.
But I wouldn't change a thing.
I think Deaf is beautiful
I love the community, the rich language they have
Sometimes I wish I was more a part of it
And could utilize more American Sign Language.
But I am glad I can partially hear
The birds sing,
The waves crash,
The wind whistle,
And my beloved piano.
"If you could go back to the day you entered the world", one asks,
"and request that God give you perfect hearing,
Is that something that you would beg of Him,
So that you wouldn't have to
Face what you are enduring?"
My answer to that is quite simple, my friend,
Although it may seem rather peculiar-
I wouldn't change a thing.
You see, my hearing loss doesn't define me,
But it does make me who I am.
It gives me a unique perspective in life;
Shaping how I relate to the world;
Growing my dependence on the great I AM.
But let me tell you what I wished everyone realized:
Technology doesn't necessarily eliminate the barriers
Louder isn't always better
And only lipreading makes me wearier.
I still feel left out in group conversations,
When I obviously missed the punch line
You all start laughing,
But I am left smiling,
Wondering what humor was brought to sensation
But please, don't have pity on me
I just want you to understand,
That sometimes I am not involved in your world,
Your circle,
Because actual hearing is something I cannot pretend
But all of this heartache,
All of this struggle, this silence
The times I feel misunderstood-
It will all be worth it,
All be forgotten,
When the Great Physician
Takes out my hearing aids for good.
One day, the first thing I will hear perfectly,
The first thing I will fully understand,
Is my Savior's beautiful, tender voice,
Whispering my name
And so, my dear friend, my fellow traveler,
Since that is what I look forward to,
I wouldn't change a thing!
Saturday, November 5, 2016
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Putting My Hands Up
It has been WAY too long since I last posted on my blog, but you know as the saying goes "So much to do, so little time" That is definitely how I have felt all throughout my college years, and I am learning to prioritize my "to-do" list. And sadly, my blog made it to the bottom of the list. But I am reevaluating my priorities and I realize how much more valuable it is to share with friends and family what God is doing in my life and to brag on His sovereignty, so I believe this blog will make it nearer to the top of my "to-do" list.
Since I last posted, I have graduated from Ball State University with a Bachelor's Degree in Deaf and Hard of Hearing Education (with Cum Laud Honors, all thanks to God), moved back home with my parents for the time being, worked two summer part-time jobs (yes I am still at ChickfilA but I also tutored a precious little girl who wears cochlear implants), gone on a short term service trip to Indonesia in June (absolutely, without a doubt, the highlight of my summer), celebrated a life-long friend at her bridal shower and wedding, went to Maine for I believe the 20th time in my life, celebrated my 25th birthday with incredible friends and family, and got my first ever adult job. And life looks absolutely NOTHING like I imagined it would when I envisioned my life at the quarter of a century mark. And that is absolutely okay!
While I was in college, I was making some plans for my life. They were good plans. I was going to graduate, get my teaching license right away, get a teaching job somewhere in Indiana. I was also going to find a wonderful, godly man and get married. Yep, that was exactly how my life was going to work out, according to my naive 20 year old heart and mind.
At first I wanted to work in a mainstream school as a self-inclusion teacher of the Deaf. No way did I want to work in a Deaf School. Nuh-Uh, no way, not at all. In fact, when I was informed that I would spend a year at Indiana School for the Deaf, I was defiant. I didn't want to go. I had unfounded prejudice on the Deaf Culture and how they perceived hard of Hearing individuals (which I am really sad and embarrass to admit). I didn't really know enough about the school and culture. And I was afraid. I knew my signing skills were not very good, and that was a bit embarrassing. I was afraid they were going to look down on me for my signing skills and because I was hard of hearing (Don't ask me where I got those ideas. I have no idea).
These were my dreams during the first few years at Ball State. I was sure that this was how my life would play out. I know how God works, right? But I was wrong. Dead wrong. First off, while at ISD for the residential program, I fell in love with the Deaf school and the Deaf culture while I was there. I grew to love ASL even more. I got to know the people of this incredible culture even more. God showed me a whole new group of incredible people that I grew to respect and love. The Deaf culture are an incredible group of people with a beautiful sense of community, a beautiful history, and a beautiful language. Now I desire to get to know them even more. In fact, all during junior and senior year, I had plans to work at a Deaf School. There I went again, making my own plans without totally surrendering my life pen to the Author of Life.
This summer, God taught me what it truly means to surrender my life to Him.
This summer was a bit discouraging at first. I applied to several places for a teaching job. I went to several interviews. Most turned me down. Some didn't even consider me for an interview (one place was at Rochester School for the Deaf. Mom admitted she is glad they turned me down because she didn't want me moving so far). Some never contacted me back. And all around me good friends were getting their dream jobs. It wasn't fair. I was hurt. I was frustrated. I didn't understand why God would take me so far and allow me to work so hard in school only to not provide me with what I thought were my dream jobs.
But in reality, God knew a dream I had before I even realized it was my dream and He was saving me from some frustration, heartache, and complications. As I grew, learned more about my field, learned about all the sides of hearing loss ( Deaf and deaf-yes there is a difference, the Deaf culture, hearing loss, hard of hearing individuals, cochlear implants, Deaf education in both a mainstream and Deaf School perspective), my heart started to form a specific dream. I began to realize how much I wanted to work directly with parents of deaf and hard of hearing students. I wanted to help families navigate the complicated world of hearing loss and all the options they have for their children. I wanted to be a sort of counselor who parents could share their concerns, heartaches, and confusion with. But I never knew that my dreams were actually a job I could have. I just thought I would have to do this on the side, on my own. Until one glorious day in March.
As I normally do on my school breaks, I came home during my summer break last summer (2016) and worked at Chick-fil-A. One day, while I was working, a wonderful guest boldly approached me and asked if I was hard of hearing. Turns out she was looking for individuals with hearing loss to connect her families to. I didn't know what that meant. So I asked. She explained she works for First Steps/Indiana Center for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing as a Parent Advisor for families with Deaf and Hard of Hearing Education. My reaction was "Wait, that is actually a thing?? Sign me up! Connect me with your families!" That didn't work out, but I think God ordained that meeting for a single purpose. To provide me with my dream job, although I didn't know it at the time. (Fun fact, she also attends the same church my parents go to!)
A year later from that meeting, my friend sent me an email about openings available for Indiana Center for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing. I applied, but figured it was just an idea. I wouldn't actually get a job because I would probably work for a school somewhere. Ha! Not what God had in mind at all. The summer after I graduated, I applied to several schools and worked on getting my teaching liscense. One day, I was having coffee with my best friend when the director of CDHH called me to schedule an interview. With my best friend eavesdropping, we made plans to have a skype interview on my birthday. After I hung up, my best friend gave me the look of "So??? Is that an interview you just scheduled??" I said yes, and we fist pumped! (He is one of my biggest supporters/fan) While I waited for that interview I continued to apply to other places, even drove hours away for interviews. But no one hired me, and I didn't pass the last test I needed for my liscense, which meant I couldn't teach in a school anyway. Goodness, I was getting discouraged. In fact, I figured that CDHH would turn me down too. Why not? Everyone else did.
Then on July 11, 2016 (my quarter-of a century birthday), I had an interview with the director CDHH over skype. And a half an hour later, we scheduled a formal interview and tour the following week. And I was beginning to see that God was working on something incredible. He was beginning to show me where my heart truly wanted to be in terms of Deaf Education, and where He wanted me to go. As I learned more about First steps and CDHH, I began to realize that this was EXACTLY the type of work I wanted to do, this was my dream job! The next week I went into their center, which happens to be at Indiana School for the Deaf. ( I think that is absolutely HILARIOUS!! God definitely has a sense of humor.) I walked away from the interview and center tour, with my dream job that I didn't even know existed in and of itself and information for the training a few weeks away.
And now I am almost a certified CDHH/First Step Service Provider (currently working on my credentials). I am a 25 year old who isn't anywhere where I thought I would be, but EXACTLY, I believe, where I believe my God wanted me to be. I am still single (which is totally okay!), not yet certified to teach in Indiana (I will get there in God's time), still at Chick-fil-A part time, and still living with my parents. And that is totally okay. While I may be still living at home with my parents, I am thankful for that. I am thankful for more time to serve my parents and siblings (although, God is showing me how I need to work on my servant heart a lot more), more time with my friends who live in Lafayette, and more time to prepare to teach. If I am totally honest, I am not ready yet to be in charge of my own classroom. AND I am thankful that I can devote all my attention to CDHH and the families I will be working with. God knew EXACTLY what I needed. I needed to trust Him.
"What is the spiritual lesson in all this?" you might be asking. Have you ever read the verse in Proverbs 16:9 "A man’s heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps"? I think my recent experience portrays just that. I was making plans for my life, which is totally okay. But they haven't worked out the way I thought because God had control of my ship. The Lord knew my heart and plans, but had a better way of making them happening. I had plans to teach and work directly with families of Deaf and Hard of Hearing students on the side, after school hours. I was planning to form my own service. But God has decided to allow that to be my full time job right now and to give me the opportunity to serve another incredible organization, which is totally AWESOME! I can now devote all my time and energy to CDHH and families I work with. I believe some day I will teach my own classroom and students, but God knew I wasn't ready for that yet (because I have a lot of skills to improve and things to learn before I will be an effective teacher). He will provide me a teaching job in His time. In addition, I wasn't ready to leave Lafayette and my incredible family and friends just yet, and God knew that. So He is allowing me more time with them, which I am thankful for. God definitely knows me much better than I know myself. And He is way more interested in my future than I give Him credit for. I am so thankful for that lesson He is teaching me.
My encouragement for you: Give God the pen for your life story, but don't EVER try to take it back. It will just cause frustration, heart ache, and a complications in your walk with Him. TRUST Him. I wish I had had more faith. I wish I hadn't tried to take back the pen of my life story. It didn't work. Just made me more miserable, honestly. So I am asking for God to give me more faith, as the apostles did in Luke 17:5. Join me in requesting this from God. God knows our hearts way better than we know them. I mean, He gave us our desires! How foolish we are to think He isn't interested in them. He is a good Father. I recently re-surrendered my life to my God with my dear family surrounding me (graduation day). And it was and will always be the best decision I have ever made. It is a comfort to know that my Creator knows me better than I know myself. It is a comfort to know that He is serious about making my dreams a reality. So I daily ask Him to give me more faith. Jesus never promised walking with Him will be easy all the time. But I can promise you this: it is more than worth it. And you will have a full and rich life when you DAILY surrender to Him. So join me; together, let's put our hands up to the author of life.
Luke 17:5
"And the apostles said unto the Lord,
Increase our faith."
Proverbs 16:9
"A man’s heart plans his way,
But the Lord directs his steps."
Since I last posted, I have graduated from Ball State University with a Bachelor's Degree in Deaf and Hard of Hearing Education (with Cum Laud Honors, all thanks to God), moved back home with my parents for the time being, worked two summer part-time jobs (yes I am still at ChickfilA but I also tutored a precious little girl who wears cochlear implants), gone on a short term service trip to Indonesia in June (absolutely, without a doubt, the highlight of my summer), celebrated a life-long friend at her bridal shower and wedding, went to Maine for I believe the 20th time in my life, celebrated my 25th birthday with incredible friends and family, and got my first ever adult job. And life looks absolutely NOTHING like I imagined it would when I envisioned my life at the quarter of a century mark. And that is absolutely okay!
While I was in college, I was making some plans for my life. They were good plans. I was going to graduate, get my teaching license right away, get a teaching job somewhere in Indiana. I was also going to find a wonderful, godly man and get married. Yep, that was exactly how my life was going to work out, according to my naive 20 year old heart and mind.
At first I wanted to work in a mainstream school as a self-inclusion teacher of the Deaf. No way did I want to work in a Deaf School. Nuh-Uh, no way, not at all. In fact, when I was informed that I would spend a year at Indiana School for the Deaf, I was defiant. I didn't want to go. I had unfounded prejudice on the Deaf Culture and how they perceived hard of Hearing individuals (which I am really sad and embarrass to admit). I didn't really know enough about the school and culture. And I was afraid. I knew my signing skills were not very good, and that was a bit embarrassing. I was afraid they were going to look down on me for my signing skills and because I was hard of hearing (Don't ask me where I got those ideas. I have no idea).
These were my dreams during the first few years at Ball State. I was sure that this was how my life would play out. I know how God works, right? But I was wrong. Dead wrong. First off, while at ISD for the residential program, I fell in love with the Deaf school and the Deaf culture while I was there. I grew to love ASL even more. I got to know the people of this incredible culture even more. God showed me a whole new group of incredible people that I grew to respect and love. The Deaf culture are an incredible group of people with a beautiful sense of community, a beautiful history, and a beautiful language. Now I desire to get to know them even more. In fact, all during junior and senior year, I had plans to work at a Deaf School. There I went again, making my own plans without totally surrendering my life pen to the Author of Life.
This summer, God taught me what it truly means to surrender my life to Him.
This summer was a bit discouraging at first. I applied to several places for a teaching job. I went to several interviews. Most turned me down. Some didn't even consider me for an interview (one place was at Rochester School for the Deaf. Mom admitted she is glad they turned me down because she didn't want me moving so far). Some never contacted me back. And all around me good friends were getting their dream jobs. It wasn't fair. I was hurt. I was frustrated. I didn't understand why God would take me so far and allow me to work so hard in school only to not provide me with what I thought were my dream jobs.
But in reality, God knew a dream I had before I even realized it was my dream and He was saving me from some frustration, heartache, and complications. As I grew, learned more about my field, learned about all the sides of hearing loss ( Deaf and deaf-yes there is a difference, the Deaf culture, hearing loss, hard of hearing individuals, cochlear implants, Deaf education in both a mainstream and Deaf School perspective), my heart started to form a specific dream. I began to realize how much I wanted to work directly with parents of deaf and hard of hearing students. I wanted to help families navigate the complicated world of hearing loss and all the options they have for their children. I wanted to be a sort of counselor who parents could share their concerns, heartaches, and confusion with. But I never knew that my dreams were actually a job I could have. I just thought I would have to do this on the side, on my own. Until one glorious day in March.
As I normally do on my school breaks, I came home during my summer break last summer (2016) and worked at Chick-fil-A. One day, while I was working, a wonderful guest boldly approached me and asked if I was hard of hearing. Turns out she was looking for individuals with hearing loss to connect her families to. I didn't know what that meant. So I asked. She explained she works for First Steps/Indiana Center for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing as a Parent Advisor for families with Deaf and Hard of Hearing Education. My reaction was "Wait, that is actually a thing?? Sign me up! Connect me with your families!" That didn't work out, but I think God ordained that meeting for a single purpose. To provide me with my dream job, although I didn't know it at the time. (Fun fact, she also attends the same church my parents go to!)
A year later from that meeting, my friend sent me an email about openings available for Indiana Center for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing. I applied, but figured it was just an idea. I wouldn't actually get a job because I would probably work for a school somewhere. Ha! Not what God had in mind at all. The summer after I graduated, I applied to several schools and worked on getting my teaching liscense. One day, I was having coffee with my best friend when the director of CDHH called me to schedule an interview. With my best friend eavesdropping, we made plans to have a skype interview on my birthday. After I hung up, my best friend gave me the look of "So??? Is that an interview you just scheduled??" I said yes, and we fist pumped! (He is one of my biggest supporters/fan) While I waited for that interview I continued to apply to other places, even drove hours away for interviews. But no one hired me, and I didn't pass the last test I needed for my liscense, which meant I couldn't teach in a school anyway. Goodness, I was getting discouraged. In fact, I figured that CDHH would turn me down too. Why not? Everyone else did.
Then on July 11, 2016 (my quarter-of a century birthday), I had an interview with the director CDHH over skype. And a half an hour later, we scheduled a formal interview and tour the following week. And I was beginning to see that God was working on something incredible. He was beginning to show me where my heart truly wanted to be in terms of Deaf Education, and where He wanted me to go. As I learned more about First steps and CDHH, I began to realize that this was EXACTLY the type of work I wanted to do, this was my dream job! The next week I went into their center, which happens to be at Indiana School for the Deaf. ( I think that is absolutely HILARIOUS!! God definitely has a sense of humor.) I walked away from the interview and center tour, with my dream job that I didn't even know existed in and of itself and information for the training a few weeks away.
And now I am almost a certified CDHH/First Step Service Provider (currently working on my credentials). I am a 25 year old who isn't anywhere where I thought I would be, but EXACTLY, I believe, where I believe my God wanted me to be. I am still single (which is totally okay!), not yet certified to teach in Indiana (I will get there in God's time), still at Chick-fil-A part time, and still living with my parents. And that is totally okay. While I may be still living at home with my parents, I am thankful for that. I am thankful for more time to serve my parents and siblings (although, God is showing me how I need to work on my servant heart a lot more), more time with my friends who live in Lafayette, and more time to prepare to teach. If I am totally honest, I am not ready yet to be in charge of my own classroom. AND I am thankful that I can devote all my attention to CDHH and the families I will be working with. God knew EXACTLY what I needed. I needed to trust Him.
"What is the spiritual lesson in all this?" you might be asking. Have you ever read the verse in Proverbs 16:9 "A man’s heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps"? I think my recent experience portrays just that. I was making plans for my life, which is totally okay. But they haven't worked out the way I thought because God had control of my ship. The Lord knew my heart and plans, but had a better way of making them happening. I had plans to teach and work directly with families of Deaf and Hard of Hearing students on the side, after school hours. I was planning to form my own service. But God has decided to allow that to be my full time job right now and to give me the opportunity to serve another incredible organization, which is totally AWESOME! I can now devote all my time and energy to CDHH and families I work with. I believe some day I will teach my own classroom and students, but God knew I wasn't ready for that yet (because I have a lot of skills to improve and things to learn before I will be an effective teacher). He will provide me a teaching job in His time. In addition, I wasn't ready to leave Lafayette and my incredible family and friends just yet, and God knew that. So He is allowing me more time with them, which I am thankful for. God definitely knows me much better than I know myself. And He is way more interested in my future than I give Him credit for. I am so thankful for that lesson He is teaching me.
My encouragement for you: Give God the pen for your life story, but don't EVER try to take it back. It will just cause frustration, heart ache, and a complications in your walk with Him. TRUST Him. I wish I had had more faith. I wish I hadn't tried to take back the pen of my life story. It didn't work. Just made me more miserable, honestly. So I am asking for God to give me more faith, as the apostles did in Luke 17:5. Join me in requesting this from God. God knows our hearts way better than we know them. I mean, He gave us our desires! How foolish we are to think He isn't interested in them. He is a good Father. I recently re-surrendered my life to my God with my dear family surrounding me (graduation day). And it was and will always be the best decision I have ever made. It is a comfort to know that my Creator knows me better than I know myself. It is a comfort to know that He is serious about making my dreams a reality. So I daily ask Him to give me more faith. Jesus never promised walking with Him will be easy all the time. But I can promise you this: it is more than worth it. And you will have a full and rich life when you DAILY surrender to Him. So join me; together, let's put our hands up to the author of life.
Luke 17:5
"And the apostles said unto the Lord,
Increase our faith."
Proverbs 16:9
"A man’s heart plans his way,
But the Lord directs his steps."
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