I Can't Hear Your Lips

Again, it has been way too long since I have posted in my blog. Excuses could be I just haven't had time, I have not had anything significant to say, I have lacked motivation....but the truth is that I just let other things get in my way.

But recently, I have had some thoughts in my heart and mind that I wanted to share with the general public. Therefore, I figured my blog would be a great place to share these thoughts, observations, and personal experience tied to them.

Some of you reading this blog may know that I work as an Early Interventionist with families of Deaf and Hard of Hearing children. I LOVE IT! I love helping the families navigate the Deaf and Hard of Hearing world that can be confusing sometimes. I love helping the family and child adjust to using listening devices, learn about different communication strategies they can utilize with their child, giving all the little tips about caring for amplification that sometimes audiologists don't always share with them, help them to see the full potential in their child and focus on the whole child, walk with some of the parents through the grieving process, and so much more!

In the process of working with these precious children, I am not only learning more about Deaf and Hard of Hearing Education, the impact of different hearing levels on child development, etc....but I am also learning more about how important visual access is for children and individuals living with any level of hearing loss.

A personal revelation I have had is how much of a lip reader I am. I can't say this is true for ALL individuals who are Deaf or hard of hearing. Not one shoe fits all, but I can say that there is probably a good percentage of Deaf and hard of hearing individuals who benefit from visual access and accommodations to spoken language.  I am definitely one of them.

There are many deaf and hard of hearing individuals are lip readers. And I truly believe teaching young deaf and hard of hearing children how to utilize visual communication tools (reading lips, looking at the individual's face, asking the speaker to look at you) is a beneficial tool/strategy to teach them. But this doesn't mean that it is the only communication methodology for deaf and hard of hearing children. Many children do use only listening and spoken language methodologies to communicate effeciently.

Deafness (which is a term to include all range of hearing levels), in my opinion, is an "indivisible" disability.  It is easy to misunderstand it. Wearing hearing amplification to make environmental and spoken language louder and more accessible is a logical solution, correct? I wear hearing aids, so that should make it better, right? I mean, louder is better, correct? In fact, many people who ear cochlear implants or hearing aids communicate well with individuals talking to them, participate in group conversations and enjoy music. It is true we can often hear well with our amplification-but it isn't always clear.
Think about this-when you hear someone talking through the use of a megaphone or microphone, do you understand the speaker perfectly? Or is it a little more disoriented and unclear?

I would also ask you to think about this-is it easier to get a little distracted when talking on the phone because you don't have a face to look at? When you talk with someone one on one, the conversation is more engaging and clear when you can see the face of the person talking? Do you have to occasionally ask the speaker to repeat what they said because you didn't fully understand the speaker?

If your answer is yes, then think about someone who always needs to see the person's face and or lips to understand fully what is being communicated to them.

It is true, I can hear many things and don't need to see the source of that sound to understand it clearly all the time. Like birds signing (with the assistance of my hearing aids), dogs barking, music playing, phones ringing, most keys on the piano playing. (Although the phone ringing depends on the frequency of the tone. If the tone is too high, I won't be able to hear it. In fact, my parents' first cell phones had very high pitches and I couldn't hear the phones even if they were right next to my ear. The pitches were too high). I love to play the piano (I can hear most of the notes, except the last 5 notes on either end of the piano), I can even play the flute, and I am always listening to music (at home and in the car).  But I know I don't hear music the same way those with typical hearing levels do-I enjoy music in my very own way.

But it doesn't mean I hear everything playing into my ear or in the environment. And it especially does not mean I always understand when people talk to me. I am not able to hear several high or low frequencies, including frequencies of various letters in spoken language.  And when people talk to me, and I miss some sounds in the words people might say to me, it is as if I were reading a passage in a book that has key words and letters missing, with either enough context clues in the passage to understand what it means or not enough that I totally miss the context of the statement/conversation. That is where the lipreading comes in.

Just let me clarify-not every individual who is deaf or hard of hearing can read lips. That is a misconception. But I believe that those of us who do read lips and are very visual when it comes to communication benefit greatly when those who interact with us assist us to use visual clues and face us when talking.

For example, it helps when the speaker looks at us who read lips so that we can use our lipreading "superpowers" and other visual clues to fill in the gaps where our ears and auditory passages miss.  It doesn't mean that when we are spoken to by people not facing us we don't hear-we just may miss key words. Often times, I may hear that someone speaking to me, but I don't fully understand what they are saying. As a result, I often say "What?". I don't say "What?" out of laziness, or to interrupt you or because I wasn't listening (although there may have been an occasional day when I was tired or not paying attention that did result in me saying "What?").  I say "What?" because I need you to look at me, and repeat EXACTLY what you said at the same pace you originally said it (most likely). I will do the extra work-I will read your lips. And most likely, I heard part of what you said when I couldn't see your face/lips. So now I will pay more attention to what you say based on what I missed you saying when you were not facing me.

In addition-sign language and gestures. Sign language is extremely helpful! Not to mention that American Sign Language is a beautiful, concise, and helpful language. I admire those who can sign fluently and totally enjoy time with my Deaf friends. For me, sign language helps me to understand what you said when our ears and the auditory part of our brain misses what we hear.  My brain doesn't have to work hard to listen, which can reduce stress on my end with understanding what is being communicated. My eyes work fine so communicating is easier when using signs or gestures while communicating. I have also noticed I get less exhausted when signs and gestures during a conversation.

Having worked with over 70 children who are deaf and hard of hearing in the past few years, I have definitely witnessed that visual language and cues are helpful for many individuals who are deaf and hard of hearing. The language and social-communication skills of many of my kids thrives when either gestures, sign language, or using some type of visual language is used with the kids. Teaching the families how to maximize their gestures and look at their child when communicating and teaching their child to look at the speaker has been very helpful to maximize their child's language development  and social-communication skills. I often witness a larger vocabulary in the child, less frustration, and ability to clearly communicate what they and others need or want to others. I am not saying that focusing on listening and spoken language methodologies only with deaf and hard of hearing children is bad or unhelpful. In fact, having a child focus on his or her listening skills without the use of visual language/clues is very helpful to help him listen carefully, and respond to someone speaking to them. It is important to teach them how to notice auditorial clues of someone talking to him or her. However, having said that, I also believe that simply making sounds louder through either louder voices or amplification is not always the best solution for each child. Some children (and adults) also need the visual access to language to enhance their ability to communicate.

There is also a story behind the title of this blog post. When I was a young girl, approximately 7 or 8 years old, my family learned the extent of which I am a lip-reader, visual communicator. There was moment when my mom and I were talking, probably in the kitchen (the warmest room in the house). I couldn't understand what my mom said to me when she wasn't facing me, so I, in my 7 year-old innocence, said "Mommy, turn around I can't hear your lips".

"I Wouldn't Change a Thing"

"I Wouldn't Change a Thing"
~ A poem by a hard-of-hearing woman

On the day my life began, my life was forever changed,
Although no one knew the conditions.
But God ordained
That this would be
My destiny.
My situation.

I cannot hear as the hearing do
And I am not Deaf
I am stuck between two worlds, you see.
In one that is seemingly invisible;
Without hearing or Deaf identity.
But I wouldn't change a thing.

I love to listen to music, to the notes that share a story
But I cannot hear it the same as the hearing can,
Unlike the Deaf, I am not in tune to vibrations.
But I still love to play musical notes
I still spend hours at the piano.
It is beautiful to me, to my own unique ears
Even though I know
It sounds different to the hearing world.
But I wouldn't change a thing.

I think Deaf is beautiful
I love the community, the rich language they have
Sometimes I wish I was more a part of it
And could utilize more American Sign Language.
But I am glad I can partially hear
The birds sing,
The waves crash,
The wind whistle,
And my beloved piano. 

"If you could go back to the day you entered the world", one asks,
"and request that God give you perfect hearing,
Is that something that you would beg of Him,
So that you wouldn't have to
Face what you are enduring?"

My answer to that is quite simple, my friend,
Although it may seem rather peculiar-
I wouldn't change a thing.

You see, my hearing loss doesn't define me,
But it does make me who I am.
It gives me a unique perspective in life;
Shaping how I relate to the world;
Growing my dependence on the great I AM.

But let me tell you what I wished everyone realized:
Technology doesn't necessarily eliminate the barriers
Louder isn't always better
And only lipreading makes me wearier.

I still feel left out in group conversations,
When I obviously missed the punch line
You all start laughing,
But I am left smiling,
Wondering what humor was brought to sensation

But please, don't have pity on me
I just want you to understand,
That sometimes I am not involved in your world,
Your circle,
Because actual hearing is something I cannot pretend

But all of this heartache,
All of this struggle, this silence
The times I feel misunderstood-
It will all be worth it,
All be forgotten,
When the Great Physician
Takes out my hearing aids for good.

One day, the first thing I will hear perfectly,
The first thing I will fully understand,
Is my Savior's beautiful, tender voice,
Whispering my name

And so, my dear friend, my fellow traveler,
Since that is what I look forward to,
I wouldn't change a thing!

Putting My Hands Up

It has been WAY too long since I last posted on my blog, but you know as the saying goes "So much to do, so little time" That is definitely how I have felt all throughout my college years, and I am learning to prioritize my "to-do" list. And sadly, my blog made it to the bottom of the list. But I am reevaluating my priorities and I realize how much more valuable it is to share with friends and family what God is doing in my life and to brag on His sovereignty, so I believe this blog will make it nearer to the top of my "to-do" list.

Since I last posted, I have graduated from Ball State University with a Bachelor's Degree in Deaf and Hard of Hearing Education (with Cum Laud Honors, all thanks to God), moved back home with my parents for the time being, worked two summer part-time jobs (yes I am still at ChickfilA but I also tutored a precious little girl who wears cochlear implants), gone on a short term service trip to Indonesia in June (absolutely, without a doubt, the highlight of my summer), celebrated a life-long friend at her bridal shower and wedding, went to Maine for I believe the 20th time in my life, celebrated my 25th birthday with incredible friends and family, and got my first ever adult job. And life looks absolutely NOTHING like I imagined it would when I envisioned my life at the quarter of a century mark. And that is absolutely okay!

While I was in college, I was making some plans for my life. They were good plans. I was going to graduate, get my teaching license right away, get a teaching job somewhere in Indiana. I was also going to find a wonderful, godly man and get married. Yep, that was exactly how my life was going to work out, according to my naive 20 year old heart and mind.

At first I wanted to work in a mainstream school as a self-inclusion teacher of the Deaf. No way did I want to work in a Deaf School. Nuh-Uh, no way, not at all. In fact, when I was informed that I would spend a year at Indiana School for the Deaf, I was defiant. I didn't want to go. I had unfounded prejudice on the Deaf Culture and how they perceived hard of Hearing individuals (which I am really sad and embarrass to admit). I didn't really know enough about the school and culture. And I was afraid. I knew my signing skills were not very good, and that was a bit embarrassing. I was afraid they were going to look down on me for my signing skills and because I was hard of hearing (Don't ask me where I got those ideas. I have no idea).

These were my dreams during the first few years at Ball State. I was sure that this was how my life would play out. I know how God works, right? But I was wrong. Dead wrong. First off, while at ISD for the residential program, I fell in love with the Deaf school and the Deaf culture while I was there. I grew to love ASL even more. I got to know the people of this incredible culture even more. God showed me a whole new group of incredible people that I grew to respect and love. The Deaf culture are an incredible group of people with a beautiful sense of community, a beautiful history, and a beautiful language. Now I desire to get to know them even more. In fact, all during junior and senior year, I had plans to work at a Deaf School. There I went again, making my own plans without totally surrendering my life pen to the Author of Life.

This summer, God taught me what it truly means to surrender my life to Him.

This summer was a bit discouraging at first. I applied to several places for a teaching job. I went to several interviews. Most turned me down. Some didn't even consider me for an interview (one place was at Rochester School for the Deaf. Mom admitted she is glad they turned me down because she didn't want me moving so far). Some never contacted me back. And all around me good friends were getting their dream jobs. It wasn't fair. I was hurt. I was frustrated. I didn't understand why God would take me so far and allow me to work so hard in school only to not provide me with what I thought were my dream jobs. 

But in reality, God knew a dream I had before I even realized it was my dream and He was saving me from some frustration, heartache, and complications.  As I grew, learned more about my field, learned about all the sides of hearing loss ( Deaf and deaf-yes there is a difference, the Deaf culture, hearing loss, hard of hearing individuals, cochlear implants, Deaf education in both a mainstream and Deaf School perspective), my heart started to form a specific dream. I began to realize how much I wanted to work directly with parents of deaf and hard of hearing students. I wanted to help families navigate the complicated world of hearing loss and all the options they have for their children. I wanted to be a sort of counselor who parents could share their concerns, heartaches, and confusion with.  But I never knew that my dreams were actually a job I could have. I just thought I would have to do this on the side, on my own. Until one glorious day in March.

As I normally do on my school breaks, I came home during my summer break last summer (2016) and worked at Chick-fil-A. One day, while I was working, a wonderful guest boldly approached me and asked if I was hard of hearing. Turns out she was looking for individuals with hearing loss to connect her families to. I didn't know what that meant.  So I asked. She explained she works for First Steps/Indiana Center for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing as a Parent Advisor for families with Deaf and Hard of Hearing Education. My reaction was "Wait, that is actually a thing?? Sign me up! Connect me with your families!" That didn't work out, but I think God ordained that meeting for a single purpose. To provide me with my dream job, although I didn't know it at the time.  (Fun fact, she also attends the same church my parents go to!)

A year later from that meeting, my friend sent me an email about openings available for Indiana Center for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing. I applied, but figured it was just an idea. I wouldn't actually get a job because I would probably work for a school somewhere. Ha! Not what God had in mind at all. The summer after I graduated, I applied to several schools and  worked on getting my teaching liscense. One day, I was having coffee with my best friend when the director of CDHH called me to schedule an interview. With my best friend eavesdropping, we made plans to have a skype interview on my birthday. After I hung up, my best friend gave me the look of "So??? Is that an interview you just scheduled??" I said yes, and we fist pumped! (He is one of my biggest supporters/fan)  While I waited for that interview I continued to apply to other places, even drove hours away for interviews. But no one hired me, and I didn't pass the last test I needed for my liscense, which meant I couldn't teach in a school anyway. Goodness, I was getting discouraged. In fact, I figured that CDHH would turn me down too. Why not? Everyone else did.

Then on July 11, 2016 (my quarter-of a century birthday), I had an interview with the director CDHH over skype. And a half an hour later, we scheduled a formal interview and tour the following week. And I was beginning to see that God was working on something incredible. He was beginning to show me where my heart truly wanted to be in terms of Deaf Education, and where He wanted me to go. As I learned more about First steps and CDHH, I began to realize that this was EXACTLY the type of work I wanted to do, this was my dream job! The next week I went into their center, which happens to be at Indiana School for the Deaf. ( I think that is absolutely HILARIOUS!! God definitely has a sense of humor.) I walked away from the interview and center tour, with my dream job that I didn't even know existed in and of itself and information for the training a few weeks away.

And now I am almost a certified CDHH/First Step Service Provider (currently working on my credentials). I am a 25 year old who isn't anywhere where I thought I would be, but EXACTLY, I believe, where I believe my God wanted me to be. I am still single (which is totally okay!), not yet certified to teach in Indiana (I will get there in God's time), still at Chick-fil-A part time, and still living with my parents. And that is totally okay. While I may be still living at home with my parents, I am thankful for that. I am thankful for more time to serve my parents and siblings (although, God is showing me how I need to work on my servant heart a lot more), more time with my friends who live in Lafayette, and more time to prepare to teach. If I am totally honest, I am not ready yet to be in charge of my own classroom. AND I am thankful that I can devote all my attention to CDHH and the families I will be working with. God knew EXACTLY what I needed. I needed to trust Him.

"What is the spiritual lesson in all this?" you might be asking. Have you ever read the verse in Proverbs 16:9 "A man’s heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps"? I think my recent experience portrays just that. I was making plans for my life, which is totally okay. But they haven't worked out the way I thought because God had control of my ship. The Lord knew my heart and plans, but had a better way of making them happening. I had plans to teach and work directly with families of Deaf and Hard of Hearing students on the side, after school hours. I was planning to form my own service. But God has decided to allow that to be my full time job right now and to give me the opportunity to serve another incredible organization, which is totally AWESOME! I can now devote all my time and energy to CDHH and families I work with. I believe some day I will teach my own classroom and students, but God knew I wasn't ready for that yet (because I have a lot of skills to improve and things to learn before I will be an effective teacher). He will provide me a teaching job in His time. In addition, I  wasn't ready to leave Lafayette and my incredible family and friends just yet, and God knew that. So He is allowing me more time with them, which I am thankful for. God definitely knows me much better than I know myself. And He is way more interested in my future than I give Him credit for. I am so thankful for that lesson He is teaching me.

My encouragement for you: Give God the pen for your life story, but don't EVER try to take it back. It will just cause frustration, heart ache, and a complications in your walk with Him. TRUST Him. I wish I had had more faith. I wish I hadn't tried to take back the pen of my life story. It didn't work. Just made me more miserable, honestly. So I am asking for God to give me more faith, as the apostles did in Luke 17:5. Join me in requesting this from God. God knows our hearts way better than we know them. I mean, He gave us our desires! How foolish we are to think He isn't interested in them. He is a good Father. I recently re-surrendered my life to my God with my dear family surrounding me (graduation day). And it was and will always be the best decision I have ever made. It is a comfort to know that my Creator knows me better than I know myself. It is a comfort to know that He is serious about making my dreams a reality.  So I daily ask Him to give me more faith. Jesus never promised walking with Him will be easy all the time. But I can promise you this: it is more than worth it. And you will have a full and rich life when you DAILY surrender to Him. So join me; together, let's put our hands up to the author of life. 

Luke 17:5 
"And the apostles said unto the Lord,
Increase our faith."


Proverbs 16:9
"A man’s heart plans his way,
But the Lord directs his steps."

 

When God Writes Your Life Story

About a month ago, I finished my fifth, and one of the hardest, year of college. It was a very eventful and often stressful year, but a blessed one too. However, throughout the entire year, I got this question numerous times, by numerous people: "Do you graduate soon?" or "Do you graduate in May?" When I came home for the summer, friends who I do not have regular contact with asked "Are you graduated?" And quite honestly, I was getting rather tired of those questions. I wanted to get a shirt that said "When I graduate, you will be the first to know!" I was also asked if I had "a special man in my life" (The answer is no, I don't. And that's okay! Singleness is a gift for me right now)

Often, I am ashamed to admit, I  found myself complaining to my God. "Why am I taking six years to finish my undergraduate years?" "Why am I still working toward my Bachelor's at the age of twenty-three?" "Why am I still single?" I felt like I was "behind" in life, or perhaps taking too long to finish this stage of life, or "get on" with God's plan for my life. Did I make a mistake going to Ivy Tech for two years?

However,  God has slowly but surely been revealing to me this truth: God is a Creator and an Author. He isn't an inventor.

What I mean by this is my God writes unique plans for each of His children. None of them are the same. As I began looking at my Savior as a Creator and creative Writer, I could see His plans for my life a little more clearly. I am beginning to learn not to compare myself to others. For example, this past May many of my highschool friends graduated from college, and when I saw their graduation pictures on facebook, my heart would become a little jealous. But when I ran to Jesus with my jealously (and weariness from all the work in school) He always reminded me that His plans for me are not my plans (or my parents', the world's, et ctetera).  He would then help me to look back on the past five years of college and see how much He has worked in my life, blessed it beyond my imagination, changed my heart, and used me in other people's lives.

When you are open to following God's plan for your life, forsaking your own, He always does amazing things! For me, one of those was helping me develop very special and intimate relationships with my two best friends. One of them was taking one more semester in school (at Ball State) and in that semester, God changed her life completely around! And I was there to witnessed it! Had I finished school in four years, I probably wouldn't have been able to witness it, and she and I most likely wouldn't be the type of friends we are now. (Which is the very best, as close as sisters could be!) I couldn't ask for anything better. God used both of my best friends to really work on my heart, reveal some things to me, deepen my walk with Him, and change my heart. And I am thankful and humbled to say that He has apparently used me in their lives as well. Our friendships are a precious gifts and tremendous blessings I never saw coming. 

One of the greatest lessons God taught me was to not compare myself to others. As the only hard of hearing individual amongst my family and friends, it is often way too easy for me to compare myself to others. I am also in a stage in my life when so many friends are graduating, starting their careers, getting engaged, getting married.  This past year, I often found myself feeling sorry for myself because, as I saw it,  I was "stuck in the same stage of life as I was in highschool" When I compared myself to my graduated friends and even those who were getting married or engaged, I began complaining to my God "Why is it taking so long???" I felt out of place. I felt like a failure, a disappointment, a misfit. But the truth is, I am none of those things. Those are the labels the world gives me. Getting your Bachelor's in four years is the World's definition of "success". But it is by no means God's definition (I wonder if He even defines anything as "successful") God defines me as Redeemed, Precious, Chosen, His Daughter, His servant. Those are my true identities, though it is often easy to forget that when comparing oneself to the world.

It is true, it is taking me six years to finish college. (Two years at Ivy Tech didn't really help with the time, just the money :D )  But that is okay! Apparently, that was God's plan for my life. And I am okay with that! If I had finished college in four years, I wouldn't be friends with so many incredible people in my life. I wouldn't have had two incredible part time jobs at two different ChickfilA's (If I graduated in 2014, I most likely never would have applied at the Muncie ChickfilA) My best friend and I wouldn't have the joy of sharing the friendship we do now. I wouldn't have gotten to spend as much time with my siblings as I have (especially my brother, who is eleven years my junior. I possibly would have missed too many milestones for him and April because of a career). I wouldn't have had the privilege to work with the students I did last year at Indiana School for the Deaf because they would have been a grade younger than second, fifth, sixth and ninth  (which were the grades I worked with). But more importantly, I wouldn't learned to look to my God in my frustration, to trust Him completely with my life, or to abandon my own plans for my life and follow Him. I am beginning to learn to live moment by moment, not in the future. Now, I have made some plans for the next few years in my head (which hopefully includes teaching at ISD or a similar school) but I have also surrendered those plans to my King, knowing that the God who has provided for me in the past, can provide for the future! I am beginning to ask "So what's the plan, Lord?" instead of "Why are my plans failing or taking too long??" It really helps me to focus on my relationship with my King.

Last year, I was in a car wreck that very easily have taken my life or changed it. (God is a beautiful Protector!) And from that wreck, I learned to embrace each day, and LIVE each day for Him! All we are promised is today. Tomorrow isn't promised. While we should be careful to complete all the responsibilities He entrusts us with, I believe He also wants us to find joy and beauty in each day. To take time to Praise Him. To enjoy the relationships He gives us. To look at each day as a gift. I am not good at these things. Especially when I am stressed, worried, or frustrated with life. But, I am learning. I am learning to live like tomorrow isn't promised. To love all the amazing people He placed in my life.

My challenge to you is this: Surrender. Surrender your life to the Giver of Life. He is an amazing God who has such beautiful plans for His children. And He is a Creator. Of course each of our life story is unique! It is written specifically for each of us individually. Make plans, but let God be the one to carry them out. He will never disappoint.

Made to Worship!

WOW! The last post I wrote was on May 14, 2014!!! It is amazing how time gets away from us! A lot (and I mean a LOT) has happened in my life since then. Two good friends got married, I have been back on Ball State campus, my best friend moved away (although not too far!), my sister graduated from high school and started college. I could go on...

But the purpose of this post isn't to get all those who read my blog caught up on my life. (I mean, if you really care to know, you probably already do!) Instead, I mean to share some things that the Lord has revealed to me and comforted me with that I hope will be a blessing to all of you as well.

I think we ALL ask this question from time to time: What is my purpose in life? What am I here for? What great thing does God want to do in my life and through my life? Hate to break it to you all, but we weren't placed on earth or in the world we live in to do great things for His Kingdom. We weren't even placed on earth so that we could make God's earth a great place...it would probably do just fine without us (perhaps even better). God wanted company and His majesty and greatness deserves to be worshiped, so He created us to have fellowship with Him and to hear our voices sing praises to Him. It brings great joy to His ears and His Heart.

That isn't all to say that we are not to honor God with our lives and our work. By all means, we should! We should strive to honor and worship Him EVERYDAY! In the beginning of January, I was at a conference called SALT with Chi Alpha Christian Fellowship and it was an INCREDIBLE weekend of worship, fellowship, studying of the Word, reflection in our walk with God, lessons about how to live fruitful lives, you name it! But there was one thing that really stood out to me and one revelation that God spoke to me in my heart during worship (of all things) that I wish to share.

Ever since I was an adolescent, I have asked God to show me what my "purpose" was in life and His plans for me in His Kingdom. When I was old enough to understand that I was stillborn and the miracle that my life is and I realized that God has been working in my life since day one, I had been asking God to show me how He wanted to use me for His Kingdom and for what purpose it was that He spared me. I literally thought, "Okay, so now I need to prove to you God that I will make my life worthy of your mercy. I need to honor you in my life so I prove myself worthy of your grace!" I was so naive!! That is just foolishness, for several reasons:

1) God is about Grace, and grace is about the gift of life that He's given us.  We are alive and breathing because of God's grace and we are able to do everything that we do because of GRACE! It isn't because of our greatness. 1 Corinthians 15:10 says "By the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain." God decided to let us live and breathe and honor Him just because He loves His creation that much! We cannot in anyway please Him enough to earn His grace or even prove ourselves "worthy of Grace". That defies the very definition of Grace! Grace is a free gift! Let us simply accept this gift, instead of trying to earn it!

2) We were created to worship Him! That isn't the only thing, but it sure is an important thing! His majesty DEMANDS to be worshiped. It might seem like a selfish thing of God, but it isn't. He is a jealous God and worship of Him is beautiful, holy, righteous and true.

So what does that have to do with my question of "What am I here for? Why did God rescue me, spare my life?" Well, God answered that question while I was at the SALT conference. I am alive because He wanted to hear my voice in worship and watch me worship Him with my hands (worship in ASL) and life. That is all. What a humbling thought! God didn't have to create me, but He did! (And if you tell me He didn't, that evolution did, then I would ask you "Then why don't I look just like everyone else or every monkey? I mean, they all look the same!").  He didn't have to spare my life at all when I was born, but He did! And why did He? Because He longed to be loved and worshiped by me! Wow! I don't know about you, but that is a humbling thought! Me? Who am I? A daughter of the King, that is who I am!

I was made to worship. We all worship something, but the only One that deserves to be worshiped is God. And I live to worship Him, to glorify His name.  I am not alive to do great works, although I should obey and do the work He sets before me to do. But in doing so, I should worship Him.

I am learning every day how to worship Him everyday, with every action, every thought, every passion I have, everything I am attatched to. I am learning to be attatched to Him!

I don't have to worship Him with some great works! If God asked me to worship Him by sweeping the streets in the ghetto areas of a city such as Chicago, then that I will do. He even deserves that kind of worship!

You and I were made to worship!

Realizing What Isaiah 55:8 Truly Means

            I completed my fourth year of school a little over a week ago now, and I have been meaning to write this post for a while, but thankfully I've been very preoccupied with work ever since I got home. (I say thankfully because it is honestly such a joy to work and I am very thankful for my job with Chick fil A). But tonight I have some free time so I thought I would take the time to write this.
This past year was a very rewarding school year for me; quite honestly the best year I've had in college. I thoroughly enjoyed living at Indiana School for the Deaf, working in the classrooms, and getting to know nine beautiful girls better. And I learned A LOT!! I really improved with my ASL skills and learned about different aspects of teaching that I don't think any lecture hall at Ball State could prepare me for. I also discovered that teaching students with any degree loss is truly what I want to do with the rest of my life. My heart is definitely in this field, and I am thankful that I had the wonderful experience of working in the classroom to realize that.
            But this past year was also my fourth year of college, and I have two more years to go. At first, when I realized how long I was going to be in college, I was a little disappointed (and discouraged). The past week was a little more difficult for me because quite a number of my high school friends graduated from college on Saturday.
           But God has been constantly reminding me of the verse in Isaiah that says this: " 'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways', thus says the Lord" (Isaiah 55:8). I don't think we as inhabitants of this earth truly understand what this means. I don't think the Lord was only talking about the thoughts we think and the things we do; I think He was also talking about the plans we make for our own life. This verse could also be read "For My plans are not your plans, nor is My timing your timing". Sometimes we make plans for ourselves (or the world makes plans for us or tells us the ideal paths we should follow) and they don't always go the way we map out. But that doesn't mean we are failing in life AT ALL!
          I used to believe that if I didn't finish college in four years, I was a failure.  But my God has shown me how that train of thinking is the wrong train of thinking. My God's plans are not my plans (or the world's plans) at all, that is for sure. But the good news is His thoughts and plans are higher than mine and are absolutely perfect! Jesus is a GOOD King, and we can trust Him completely to bless our lives and guide it according to His will. NONE of His plans will fail.
         However, we have to realize and accept that our plans are not always His plans, and be willing to pray and seek the Lord when life just doesn't make sense. I have two more years (at least) in school, and to some that might sound depressing/disappointing (and honestly, there are days when that reminder is just a painful one). But I believe I will be in school for a while because God has something great and amazing He wants to do with the last two years of my college career.  I have absolutely no idea what those plans are, but I know my God is good all the time. ALL the time.
         Quite honestly, I am thankful that God placed me in Ivy Tech for two years because although it might of "set me behind", without those two years, I wouldn't have my job at Chick-fil-A. And if you read my last few blogs, you know how much I ADORE my job at Chick-fil-A.
I can trust Him. In the meantime, the Lord just wants me to let Him take the wheel and enjoy the ride. God has a purpose for every single year, every single DAY of our lives; our lives and the work He has for us doesn't start when we start our dream career or marry the partner of our prayers; our life is NOW, today. Today we should live, and live for His glory. His plans are for the future, yes, but just as importantly, they are for today.
          So, as I finish my last two years (hopefully ;) ) of school, I am going to use those years to draw closer to my God, and the people He has brought into my life. I have made some incredible friendships during my college career and developed closer relationships with my family; I wouldn't trade those relationships for the best teaching job in the world. Because God has used EACH person I've had the privilege of fellowshipping with to greatly bless and enrich my life.While I take the next two years of school to study hard, I will also take the next two years to spend time with the amazing people God has placed in my life.
         We have to remember that God may have different plans than we do, and that is okay. We don't have to know what those plans are; but we do have to learn to TRUST Him and pray more. I am still working on praying more than I do, but I believe that as I pray daily, all the trials and periods of waiting I've gone through (and have yet to experience) will make sense in the light of my Savior's will. And I will learn to trust Him more. So let us put away our life's agenda and our plans, and let us just simply "follow Him". (Warning: It won't be easy, but it'll be worth it!)

Considering It Pure Joy

           The purpose of this blog is not to complain, though it might seem like it at first. And it is not to make you, the reader, feel bad. I  just wanted to give you a perspective of what it is like to be hard of hearing from my ears so that you (the reader) might learn how to help other people in your life who have a hearing loss lead an easier lifestyle. Also, my difficulties are what make me a better person. Learning to deal with not having perfect hearing teaches me so much more than I think even hearing people will ever learn. And I hope your eyes will be open to that. May my God enlighten you with my experiences, and may He grant you more compassion by understanding what it is like living with a disability (although, I try to turn it into an ability! :))         

            Growing up with a hearing loss and a little bit of a memory difficulty was definitely never easy. It came with numerous trials and sometimes some heartaches. I hated causing some frustration and, once in a while, heartache, for my parents and my siblings...mostly my parents. I knew that it was challenging for my mom and dad to have to raise their voices while still working on not sounding angry (which is not easy, I know. I saw how hard they worked on it). They were never angry with me when I had to ask them to repeat themselves (though they'd understandably showed frustration) and I appreciated that, but I knew it was also challenging. I hated being a "burden" in that sense, although now I knew that God had a purpose in that and my parents probably learned a lot while raising me.
           Another challenging aspect of living with a hearing loss is not catching every part of a group conversation (and not having the guts to ask the group to repeat themselves).  Sometimes (and this happens still) someone would say something funny and the whole group would start laughing, and I'd be sitting there, feeling a little left out, because I missed the punch line. And let's be honest, it just isn't the same when tells you the punch line for the second time. I hated (and still dislike) the feeling I get when I realize I missed a great group conversation. 
           Hearing aids are not very comfortable to wear. I can tell you that for sure! That is why I refuse to wear them to bed, even for a nap! This year while living at the Deaf School has been a blessing since I don't have to wear my hearing aids all day. They get so sore after a while! Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for my hearing aids! I wouldn't be able to be as independent as I am without them, and I probably wouldn't be as outgoing as I am now if I didn't have the blessing of being able to hear (kind of...it doesn't sound the same as being able to hear the real sounds, I would assume). But I am definitely looking forward to that day when after I embrace my Savior for the first time, He looks at me and says, "Let's take these out and throw them away! You can hear!" (At least, sometimes that is how I imagine it will go. Hehe) 
             Another challenge with being hard of hearing is asking people to repeat themselves. I honestly hate doing that.  I feel like an inconvenience when I have to do that, although most people are really good at being patient and just slowing down and speaking more clearly. But I know it is annoying to some people sometimes and I don't like being a burden in that sense. I am not sorry I couldn't hear them at first because it is embarrassing for me. Because it honestly isn't embarrassing to ask people to repeat themselves. I don't like giving them more work to do, or delaying our conversation. But I am thankful that most people don't let this inconvenience be a burden. It is the understanding of these people that give me confidence to hold a conversation with others. 
           I absolutely love music!!! Love it, love it, love it! I wish I had the time and means to play my instruments every single day for hours, especially my piano. I am by no means an accomplished pianist, but I LOVE to hear the piano just the same. It is a beautiful sound! But, I wish I could hear what the piano sounds like for real. If it is beautiful to my imperfect ears that makes the sound muffled and "electronic", I am sure it is absolutely GORGEOUS when one listens to it with perfect hearing. I asked God to give me a grand piano so I can worship Him in my eternal home, and I cannot wait to hear it's beautiful sound!
             But you know what? Even with the various difficulties that come with having a hearing loss, I wouldn't trade it for a life with perfect hearing at all!!! My hearing loss has actually drawn me closer to my Savior, and it is through my hearing loss that I am able to reach out to other people. When I am having a frustrating day because I am not hearing others very well (which most often occurs at Chick fil A), I remind myself to lean on Jesus. It is through my hearing loss that I've grown more dependent on Him and it has caused me to run to Him more, which is beautiful! I have learned the love of my Savior when I've called on Him to help me hear people better, and He answers. And I've learned to be very patient with others, what it means to love others above myself, and to let Jesus be my ears. And I have such a compassion for those who are Deaf. I believe my hearing loss is what is going to make me a compassionate and understanding teacher for the deaf and hard of hearing, and I hope to be a good role model for them.  
             But the number one reason I wouldn't trade my hearing loss for perfect hearing in this life is because I know that the first thing I'll ever hear perfectly is the voice of my Savior. That will be such a sweet, sweet sound! I know His voice is the most beautiful thing ever to be heard, and I am so thankful that that will be the very first thing I will truly hear. And it is so worth the wait.
              My hearing loss is truly a blessing in disguise, my cross to bear. And I bear it gladly, leaning on my Savior. (I must say though, I am thankful He gave people the gift to make hearing aids for people like me!) It is through my hearing loss that He has given me so much compassion for other people who have a hearing loss, who are completely deaf, or have other disabilities. And it has taught me patience. When others get frustrated with me, I remember how difficult it is for them to not truly understand what it is like to be in my shoes, and instead of becoming frustrated with them in turn, Jesus has been teaching me to be compassionate and understanding with them. I think that sometimes, God uses my patience and compassion with others to lead others closer to Him. If that isn't true, then may that be my new prayer. 
               My word of advice to all of you who are reading this is this: If God has given you a cross to bear, ask Him to show you how to use it for His glory. How does He want you to use your struggles to reach out to the lost, and those who are stumbling in their walk with God (which will definitely be every person in your life.)? And how can you use your difficulty to grow more dependent on your Savior? I won't promise you these are easy lessons, because they are not. But the reward...the reward of knowing your Savior on a deeper level and having such a desire for Him....is worth ALL the heartache.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face various trials, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" ~ James 1:2-4


P.S. It is really nice to be able to "turn my ears off" to annoying sounds too!